I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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