She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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