Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
