My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
