Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
