I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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