my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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