I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
