Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
