I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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