First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Randomize
