found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
