just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
