I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
