dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Boobs speak an international language.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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