I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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