I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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