yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
