i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Please don't give away my fajitas
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
