Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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