he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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