Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
