I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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