fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
