when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
