Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
