It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
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