its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
