u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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