she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
