How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
