How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
