Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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