Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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