i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
