We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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