i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
