Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
