Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
