Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My liver is preforming stress tests.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
