I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
