I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
