I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
