Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
