I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
