I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
