You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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