I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
