You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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