I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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