I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
