I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Green mimosas i think yes
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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