I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm gonna have a badass scar
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
